Life Goes On
by Allybooklover6677
Summary: It's ironic that one of the few worldly things meant to tear people apart is what can bring people together. Derek/Sam/Ralph friendship.


**Title**: Life Goes On

**Summary:** It's ironic that one of the few worldly things meant to tear people apart is what can bring people together. Derek/Sam/Ralph friendship.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LWD. I also know very little about hockey, so if it's inaccurate, you were warned.

**Author's Note:** This is a story I started writing last year and just found on an unfinished livejournal post tonight. It's probably the best of what I've writen so far, so make up your own opinions on it. Note: there's a bit of slash in here, because that was originally the idea behind the story. There are probably a few errors here and there because I never properly edited it. Sorry!

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Irony.

It's ironic that one of the few worldly things meant to tear people apart is what can bring people together.

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Death.

It had been awful.

Sam's run into the boards, after defending Derek from the opossing team's team captain. He'd been doing everyone a deed. They all knew that without Sam, their team would suffer, but without Derek, the team would lose. But things had gone terribly wrong. The reffs hadn't been able to pull the other player off Sam and he'd punched Sam until he was unconscious, causing internal bleeding.  
It had only taken two hours for the effect of the beating to end Sam's life. A life he'd only had 18 years of. It wasn't fair. And his two best friends stuck by that when he was placed in a casket and buried. For one of the first times in his life, Derek was an emotional wreck. His best friend died defending him. His best friend since he was 5. A friend he'd grown with, laughed with, entered school with and played hockey with. His best friend in the entire world. And he knew that even though he'd known them longer, Ralph considered Sam his best friend in the world too.

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Best friend.

Derek kneeled in front of the fresh grave and stared directing into the engraved words. "Dude, why? Why did you defend me Sam? It wasn't like I deserved it. You are, and always have been my best friend and I love you more than Edwin, more than a brother, but that was a bonehead move there friend. I know you're smarter than that Sam." But Derek knew why he'd done it. He would have done the same thing if Sam had been in trouble. It's what best friends did.

After all, Sam had told Derek not to fight Ryan, "the fridge", and who had been there when he'd made the dicision to fight anyway? Sam had. He'd even practiced those damn push-ups and had been drinking chocolate milk believing that it strengthened him. Anyone else would have walked away, but Sam was dedicated. "You're not replacable, you know that, right? Broken skates, a crushed helmet, that's replaceable. But dude, what do I do without my best friend?" Derek shook his head as he rose from his kneeling position.

It was true. Whatever he felt for Ralph in their friendship would never replace how he had felt about his best friend Sam. An 13-year friendship could hardly be replaced by a six year friendship.

Derek turned away from the grave. A few tears threatened to float in his eyes and he blinked them back. He'd never admit it, but after that first wave of emptiness and hurt after Sam had died, he'd cried for days. No one in his family would tell, of course, but it could have ruined his reputation. People might understand, but tears were a sign of weakness, and Derek Venturi wasn't weak, except when it came to his loved ones being hurt.

Derek knew he was a wimp. He still had yet to start playing hockey again, his favourite sport in the world. But just the thought of going back terrified him. Back to hockey, without Sam. He couldn't live without hockey, but he couldn't play the game without Sam there to contribute to the game because as bad as it was, going back would be harder than oping with Sam's death. 

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Memories.

Ralph still felt the numbness.

His best friend.

Gone. Just gone.

He didn't even live 3 hours, and Ralph hadn't been in town; he'd never been able to say any last words to Sam. Amanda sat next to him, staying quiet and rubbing his knee in a circular motion, trying to comfort him. The memories still flashed throuh his mind. How Derek and Sam had claimed that if they stayed focused, they would win the championship. Well, the hadn't won. Sam had died, Derek had broken down and the game had ended. The score, unimportant. A human loss outweighed any loss in hockey score standards. Ralph didn't care. Hockey was stupid. It had killed Sam, and become a disease that Derek avoided with everything in him.

Hockey was a friendship ruiner. It was a killer. It was stupid, useless and horrible. It had taken the life a such a promising person and left all who cared about that particular person sad and upset. And, in one way or another, alone.

Ralph missed logic. He missed Sam. Sometimes he still felt like he'd run into Sam on the way to his locker, that Sam would appear from behind a corner or maybe even wake from the grave. That happened, didn't it? Or were those just misleading movies that got your hopes up that people could return from the after-life when they really couldn't?

But Sam would never walk around the corner again because he was gone. For good. And sometimes, Ralph wanted to attack that damn mocking drum set in his basement or the bagel slicer in Amanda's kitchen. Any object that brought back memories or the two of them having fun; any memories that sat there and mocked him now that Sam wasn't around to share them with him.

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Aftermath.

It was so awkward. So awkward for the two of them to just stand there together. Just the two of them. Sam completed the circle, or he had. In fact, with or without Sam they'd always had things to say to each other before the 'incident', but their friendship, which was being tested, was now failing miserably.

"Want to watch the hockey game?" Derek asked after a minute of pure silence.

"No." Ralph said firmly. Hockey was the enemy. And if Derek ever turned back to it, Ralph couldn't be friends with him. He didn't want to have another friend die from the competitive sport.

"Okay..." Derek threw the remote onto the couch. He didn't know what to do or what to say to Ralph. It used to be easy, because they'd talk about girls, school, or other less serious things. But now the room where they stood was deadly silent.

But after another moment of silence, Ralph looked over to Derek. He had to ask the one question that was formost on his mind. The one that no one had been able to answer. "Why did he die, D?" It made little sense. People got hurt playing sports all the time, but they weren't supposed to die.

"He was being a friend." Derek answered, thinking back to how Sam had skated in between him and Sam's own killer.

"If he was a friend he wouldn't have died." Ralph said quietly, but sure of himself. Friends didn't let other friends down like that. They couldn't. They weren't supposed to make momentary decisions that could shatter their best friends' lives forever.

Derek knew it wasn't fair. Especially not for Ralph. Ralph hadn't involved himself into a fight on the ice, he hadn't been the one that Sam had felt the need to defend against a hockey player twice his size. Sam had died defending him, not Ralph. And how was Derek supposed to tell Ralph that it was his fault that Sam was dead?

Casey walked down the stairs to see two friends who had experienced the same loss distanced from each other. Her eyes were still red from the whole ordeal with her face almost as red, since Sam had been her friend too, but she couldn't help but feel angry at the two teenage boys for not at least leaning on each other for support. "Guys," Casey prompted as she walked up to them, "how do we pay tribute to Sam?" The question had to work. They had both known Sam so well.

Derek shrugged at the red-eyed female infront of him trying not to let the reason why she was crying affect him. Now wasn't the time to cry. "Playing hockey?" he suggested, acting as nonchalant as possible.

"How about something I can do?" Casey asked, and turned to Ralph to see if he had any ideas. Ralph had to have ideas. They probably would make minimal sense, but he'd come up with them.

Ralph suddenly gave a slight smile. "Ordering pizza, watching the hockey game and talking about music." He responded, thinking back to what they had often done as a group.

Casey felt a small bit of inner pride in how she'd been right. Now they just needed to...

"All guys," Derek added, disappionting Casey. But, that's how it had been. Sam had liked Casey, even dated her for a time before their friendship, but Derek, Sam and Ralph's "guy time" had been simply that. Guy time. No girls allowed.

And Ralph and Derek spent the afternoon watching hockey, which Ralph no longer disliked on tv, and playing video games in tribute of their shared best friend.

"Ralph, you'll never break Sam's highscore. Don't even attempt it dude." Derek only snorted as Ralph desperately tried to break Sam's highscore anyway, simply not listening to Derek's warnings.

"Hey, he's not beating me from the grave." Ralph stated, giving Derek one of his most serious looks. Sam had always been smarter than him, and Derek had always been the better catch. Ralph wanted this one thing to himself. He wanted Sam's highscore so that he could feel as though it were something Sam had passed onto him.

"He will anyway, Ralph. He's the King of Babes. Believe me, I've tried to break his highscore many times before."

Ralph's concentration broke after glancing up again. It was the familiar layout of the livingroom he, Derek and Sam had spent so much time in. It brought back lots of memories, making it painful and yet, still slightly comforting. "How can it feel like he's here and still feel so much like he's not here?" Ralph asked after they'd started a new game.

"You could say it's something sappy like the whole 'I'll always be with you' thing, but I don't believe that stuff." Derek's eyes were focused on the tv set as he used his thumbs to move the controls.

"Me niether." Ralph decided.

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Pain.

Derek had to do it. He had to get back on the ice. Hockey wasn't a disease. It wasn't the bad guy. Skating around with a goal and a purpose, that's what kept him going, and without that, the past few months had been hell. Sam was gone, he hadn't come back and Derek knew that he never would. He just had to get over all the inner pain. Skating was his relief. The goal, the net; that was his drive.

Derek hesitated for a moment before pushing himself onto the ice. He was alone. All alone. It might be summer, but he'd located a year-long ice rink and had bought himself ice time. Things were changing. A lot. Ralph couldn't replace Sam and Derek knew that he wasn't replacing Sam to Ralph either. But their friendship had strengthened in the past few months.

But as close as he was to Ralph, others didn't understand why. Amanda had recently dumped Ralph due to annoyance and jealousy that Ralph was spending so much time with Derek. And Derek had played it off as though he didn't understand, but he did. Entirely too much.

It wasn't just friendship with Ralph. It had been more. Leaning on each other when they needed it, joking around together, hanging out and paying tribute to guy time.

Somewhere along the line Derek had found himself laughing at Ralph more than he should. There was less sarcasm than there had been _before_. His laughter was genuine now. Ralph's dorky smile or stupid mistakes were now actually something to smile at, not scoff at.

Derek wasn't an idiot. Even if Casey said he was, he wasn't. But right now, he wanted to be plunged into oblivion. His life was turnging into hell just because things were starting to come together. Thoughts of Sam weren't plauging him as frequently, he was over his hockey resistance and Amanda had dumped Ralph. And the last one was exactly what made it hell; everything else was fine, but that last section of his list was ruining his life. Feeling happy that you're friend's girlfriend dumped him is sick and awful. The realization of who Derek was attracted to was worse.

He'd always been into girls. Life-altering events weren't supposed to change that. But he assumed it came from knowing that Ralph was the closest person who could relate. Sam's parents couldn't relate to him. It's been terrible for them too, but in a different way. They weren't to blame for their son's death. Derek wasn't, but it was a close enough link that he still felt guilt. And moving on without Sam almost felt like another thing to feel guilty about. Sam would understand if Derek acted like his old self, acted like all was well, but seeing his two friends just seemingly replace him - Sam wouldn't understand that. Or Derek wouldn't if he were in Sam's position.

Ralph was the relatable one. They'd all hung out together, so, if anyone understood what he was going through, Ralph would best.

Nonetheless, the whole situation was still painful. Saying goodbye to one friend and falling for the other. The irony of it all.

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Confusion.

Was he reading the signs right? Did Derek maybe return his feelings? Ralph couldn't even tell. The tragedy of Sam's death had changed their friend dynamic. It had forced him think about his actions so that nothing slipped up.

He couldn't talk to Derek about this one. But there was one person.

Ralph lightly kneeled by his friend's grave. He wasn't one hundred percent sure about what he was supposed to do, but he followed what he'd seen in movies dealing with tragedy and death. "Sam, I know this will sound weird. Like, really weird. But, I think I love Derek. Shocking, I know. I was shocked too when I first realized it. I almost cut my hand off with the bagel slicer I was using. Anyway, what was I saying? Something about Derek, right? Oh, I know! I was saying how I think I love him. Anyway, I really think I do. Maybe it's his hair. But that can't be it either. Maybe it's just because there's only the two of us. I think I'm too obvious about how I feel, because Amanda just dumped me because of Derek. She didn't want to have to fight for my attention. Is that bad? Derek won't even know, and I don't want to know what'll happen if Derek finds out how I feel about him. He'll probably run and hide and never talk to me again. That's what I'd do in his situation at least, so I don't blame him. Please don't judge me for who I love, okay Sam? Just be happy for me and help make him love me back because if anyone can do it, you can Sam, you always were the sensible and smart one."

Ralph awkwardly stood before turning to leave the cemetary. Realizing that he'd forgotten to say goodbye to his buddy he turned. "Bye Sam," he called to the teen's headstone. He was oblivious to the confused look that a few greiving people who were honouring their loved ones sent him.

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Love.

That one all-powerful word that Derek felt for only a few people in his life. His dad, his mom, his baby sister, Edwin, even Nora, Lizzie too and, of course, Sam and Ralph.

When Derek thought of the word love, he instantly thought of girls sighing or sqealing over the latest sweet thing their boyfriends had done for them, or watching some sappy chick-flick where both the man and woman (or female teen and male teen) both declared their love for each other. In those respects, it would seem that women were the ones who fell in love. Not that men didn't, but most managed to avoid that sappy, pathetic kind, or most of the people Derek knew.

Now Derek needed to do a double take. What was love? Or, rather, what was meant by being "in love"? Sure, he'd come dangerously close to the "in love" line with Sally, running short of it by just .5 of a milimeter. He'd loved her as a friend, adored her as a girlfriend, but he was almost positive he'd never actually been "in love" with her. And now, different, but more dominant feelings were arising for a friend. And, of course, the feelings couldn't even be for his friend Emily. Because damn it that would be so much easier. But it wasn't. Hell, Derek almost wished it were Casey (although, without inserting the "almost" Derek was sure he'd need to be in an insane assylum). Why he felt these feelings for Ralph of all people, he didn't know. But Derek was the Lord of the Lies, the Master of Deceit, and the "Derek" of Denial. He could master, rein and vanquish these new feelings, given enough time. And he would.

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Tribute.

On the one-year anniversary of Sam's death, Derek and Ralph decided to go visit Sam together at his grave. Ralph had a speech ready to read and Derek had dug out the puck from that last game that Sam had played. At first, Derek hadn't wanted it, had thought that the damn puck would always be a horrible reminder that his best friend had died playing a sport that neither had ever expected would betray them. Yet it had. But now Derek saw it as more of a symbol. It represented Sam's last couragous action.

While Ralph started his long (and confusing) speech, Derek sat down in front of the grave whispering to it. If Sam had actually been there, Derek doubted that he'd want to hear Ralph go on and on about that stupid bagel slicer, or Ralph's monogramed gloves, or any of those times where Sam had set Ralph straight about something.

"And we won man! Victory, Sam buddy. It was great! But, I bet you saw it from your seat in the undergrounds! Best experience of my life!" Derek paused for a bit. "Too bad you couldn't be there to play with me. We'd have made a hell of a team." Derek felt the slighest twinge of regret that Sam wasn't there, but if there was one thing he'd learned in the last year, it was that things changed; relationships, understanding, situations and life in general.

"... and then there was that time that you helped me study for that one test. Without your help, I never would have passed! And let's not forget-"

"Ralph," Derk cut him off. "I think he gets it."

Ralph gave a slight frown. "But I was only on page 2."

Derek shook his head, trying to keep from laughing. It was so... Ralph. He just wrote down everthing that had happened to him since moving to London (mainly relating to Sam) and called it his "Sam's Tribute" speech.

"Hey, D, I just wanted to make sure that I properly thanked him for all the good things he did for me. I wouldn't want him to hate me when I make it to the after life."

Derek already knew, from various previous experiences, that trying to figure out Ralph's way of thinking took too much brain power and still came up without result. Still, he found himself curious. "And what after life are you going to? Mine's hopefully going to be one filled with exotic women, lots of money, many restaurants, a Tim's for my coffee, and my favourite sport."

"Really? Mine's going to have a SAFE hockey area, girls in nice shoes, so that I don't have to lie when I use your pick-up line -which doesn't work anymore- and my friends." Ralph desperately wanted to try the pick-up line on Derek, out of curiosity, but restrained. There wasn't a whole lot he knew in life, but what he did have expertise in was the land of Derek. Derek was straight. As straight as a ruler, and therefor, wouldn't feel the same way. Not that it really heartbroke Ralph, but it was a small let-down. Still, he really wanted to see Derek's reaction to his own pick-up line.

"Nice." Derek stated, happy that Ralph had still included him in his plans. He'd forgotten while busily struggling for an old fantasy to come to mind, but he'd meant to add "friends" to the list of his perfect after life too. Or, in Ralph's case, potentially-more-than-friends.

Derek brought his attention back to the grave. It was the reason they were there, and their tribute was far from finished. Maybe they'd anger the gods wih the rest of their plans, but they didn't care. Sam was going to get a half-decent tribute, not some pathetic crying scene. He'd get the full-out remembrance tribute, where they honored what he had actually LIKED. "Next on the agenda, since Ralph's speech is over," Derek threw Ralph's speech into the wind, to prove his point," is a scary movie marathon." Derek pulled out his portable DVD player and started up movie. It was probably one of the few scary movies Sam had ever really liked, but it was apparent that Ralph didn't like it half-way through the movie. "Ralph, it's just a movie," Derek stated while Ralph gripped his arm tightly. "Don't pull a Casey."

"I'm not," Ralph assured. But he glanced around anyway. "It's just really dark now, and there aren't any stars out, and it feels like the setting of a horror movie. Watching one only makes it worse."

"Ralph, it's a movie. It's not real. It wouldn't happen. It's fake." Derek felt annoyed that he'd admitted the last part, since he liked the thrill of pretending that the horror in his favourite films were real, but he didn't want Ralph to be scared of a movie.

"Okay," Ralph nodded, taking in a deep breath. He took Derek's hand for reassurance though.

Derek was about to question why Ralph had decided that they should hold hands in a way that was so couple-y, but, after feeling the warmth that Ralph's hand provided instead of the cold winter temperature he decided to just ignore it.

**Author's Note:** So... this is all I had finished. I might add a second part later. Please review.


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